I am wandering around, wondering how I am.
Wednesday I was great. I got to see one of my absolute favorite people. Had a great day. Then had an errant thought that won’t leave. It has me all tied in knots. I notified the correct people and had a good conversation Thursday with my therapist about coping mechanisms and how to reduce my anxiety during the holidays.
I was in a good place.
Then Saturday came. We had a holiday party to go to. Our only one. I was really excited. Until we got there.
It happens to me all the time. I am excited to go someplace and be social…until I get there. Then, I want to climb in my shell and hide. I am afraid every word out of my mouth will be the wrong one. I am afraid I will offend or hurt people, or, very likely, just bore them to tears. I am sure that every person who accidentally talks to me wants to get away. Fast. And I hate myself.
That was yesterday. Thankfully one friend I can be totally myself with was there. And her pretty baby. Whom I got to cuddle and rock to sleep. My hubby even complimented me on my baby skills, “you’ve still got it.”
I totally don’t miss the infant days. I absolutely miss having a baby I can focus on in hard situations. Sigh.
And today? I am completely uncomfortable in my own skin. I feel like I’m dragging, while my heart is racing with half formed thoughts of how I need to hide and get away. I don’t know what to do with myself. I don’t know how to be around people.
That’s the place I am in.